there's no place like home

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Wed, 05 Jun 2013 13:41:24 +0800

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Wed, 05 Jun 2013 13:34:20 +0800

the-absolute-best-gifs: remember when we found out Neville...

Wed, 15 May 2013 18:16:33 +0800

remember when we found out Neville Longbottom had bigger balls than anyone else in the HP series

remember how Dumbledore told us this in the very first book, but no one believed him

This post has been featured on a 1000notes.com blog.

"Meredith Grey - Grey’s Anatomy"

Wed, 08 May 2013 00:33:48 +0800

“Meredith Grey - Grey’s Anatomy”

- I’ve heard that it’s possible to grow up, I’ve just never met anyone who’s actually done it. Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way. We whisper secrets with our best friend, in the dark. We look for comfort where we can find it. And we hope against all logic, against all experience, like children, we never give up hope.

My world suddenly stopped.

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 00:12:16 +0800

My world suddenly stopped.

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Fri, 22 Mar 2013 00:57:32 +0800

….

Mon, 18 Feb 2013 23:55:22 +0800

….

Please, help

Wed, 06 Feb 2013 22:34:00 +0800

I am going crazy - my mind can’t stop focusing on the same things. I am out of my f-ing mind. I need to talk to people. If this means that I am needy, the hell with it.

true story.

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 16:25:11 +0800

true story.

I am not currently working as a writer, so if you need my creativity, pay some extra, please.

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 15:56:57 +0800

I am not currently working as a writer, so if you need my creativity, pay some extra, please.

The thing that hurts the most - Knowing how it happened, knowing...

Mon, 04 Feb 2013 15:20:12 +0800

The thing that hurts the most - Knowing how it happened, knowing why it happened and still not being able to accept that it happened.

Honest & Selfish Confession(s)

Mon, 04 Feb 2013 10:31:25 +0800

I think that most of my friends now realized that I am depressed about something, and most of my friends (and some curious people) have been constantly asking me out for dinners, high teas, coffees and drinks just so that they would know what’s wrong with me. Some of them have an idea of some of the things that have been happening to me…but most of them try the best they could to analyze me, and I have to say this before I start ranting/complaining/whining – I am grateful for what you guys did, and I think that all of these analysis gave me a different perspective on my recent issues.

I will say, right away, this relationship issue, which involves a relationship that didn’t really start, is something that I have been talking about the most, and that’s probably because that’s the catharsis of this state of mind that I am in now. I am not sure if “you” will ever be reading this, but at this moment, I have to say something that was intended to say to you, but I don’t think it’s going to matter now –

I never did, and will never blame you for whatever that’s happened. I chose to believe that neither of us is that ready to be part of a relationship involving someone with certain characteristics that defines both of us, or at least parts of us. And I don’t think that at this point of our lives, we are in the best shape (emotionally). I blame me, mostly, because I wasted something that was probably what’s known as “the moment”. I know that I shouldn’t blame me (but I do), and I know that’s not about what I deserve, but what you don’t deserve, and that basically just sums it up – you don’t deserve to be handling someone who’s, at this moment, mentally and emotionally unstable to the point that he just can’t handle his emotions. And while some people seem to believe that this “thing” between us caused me to be this unstable, it didn’t. I am unstable for a lot of other reasons; this was just the tip of the iceberg that some people appear to be able to see. Just like you said, it was what it was, and it is what it is, the future is something that neither of us is able to predict. That being said, I really, REALLY hope that, at this point, we can still be part of each other’s lives, because (for me) regardless of what happens, you still hold a significant weight in my heart as “someone that I will eternally respect, cherish and care”, but I know that there’s no turning back time, and there’s no way to erase what happened, so I don’t want to be asking too much of you, at least at this point of our lives.

After saying all of it, yes, it hurts, a lot, so much so that my mind seems to be unable to be focusing on anything or anyone else but her, which I can explain (I think) – the whole thing just ended, with her deciding to be avoiding ignoring me, after something that I wasn’t even sure what happened – because I called? Because I went out with her friends (and said something)? Because I went out with someone else in the next day? Because she was done with this? I think that more than anything, I need closure, and I know that she probably does not have the time, patience or intention of giving that to me, but I think that I need some closure for this before I feel that I could move on, but I don’t think I can be asking that of her, because I did not offer that when she probably needed it. So here’s what I think, at different points in time, we broke each other’s heart, and I can’t speak for her, but I will need some time to piece my heart back together.

Like I described, that’s just the tip of the ice berg, which lead to another issue – someone that I called “twin” in my previous post just chose to “avoid going out with me or talking to me about this issue” because of her relationship with the “tip of the iceberg”, which is something that I, rationally speaking, understand. But here’s is me being extremely selfish –

I have never asked you to be talking to me about her, because… Yea, I understand, so even though we were close for that period of time, I tried to not intentionally discuss her with you, because… yea, I understand. That being said, you have no idea how your decision damaged me (at this point). I didn’t see you as her friend or anything, and I didn’t talk to you because I needed to know something about her, although I could, but I never really did (intentionally). That being said, yes, I was really, REALLY, sad when I received your message, because while I understood the reasoning behind it, I saw you as one of my really close friends, because of the fact that we connected in many different levels (as friends), and I thought that we would be able to stay friends and I thought that, while we can avoid discussing that particular topic, I would be able to have your support during this period of time. Like you said, at some point, that us being friends is not entirely about me, or her, but it’s not entirely about you either, ok? It just feels really bad that, at a moment that I truly needed support from someone like you, someone that I saw as a close friend, would just walk away. I am not saying that I don’t understand why, I am just presenting my extremely-selfish vision of the situation.

Some other people seem to be seeing that me being this way has something to do with my family, and here’s my confession towards them –

I love you, mom and dad. But sometimes it’s difficult to live in a family with such a high level of mental complexity. I am selfish as well, I just try really hard not to be when comes to you two, and that particular way of thinking is probably what really drove me to this emotional downwards spiral, because it made me someone like this – that I try, even though I might not want to, put others’ perspective a bit ahead of my own. I am tired, ok? I really am, I don’t want to be causing any issues to this family, but I am just really tired emotionally, and I just want to have a safe place that I don’t have to pretend to be strong anymore, because… I have been pretending to be stronger than who I really am for longer that I should be doing that, and now that I am on the edge of a breakdown, I need that safe place more than ever, that’s why I chose to quit my job, that’s why I suggested to go to a number of trips (mostly in China) before the Portugal trip. I need to be somewhere I feel safe – that I don’t need to pretending to be someone that I am not. And yes, I understand the selfishness of this request, but…at this point, that’s probably what I need – not want, need. I hope that you can accept this childish, immature request of mine.

To my brother and sisters? Well, I don’t have anything to say, I just don’t.

These were the 3 major confessions that I wanted to make today, and this is what I really need – I need a good cry, you know, in front of a friend of mine, and that I will be capable of releasing all of this pressure, stress and depression

Life as a Performance.

Thu, 31 Jan 2013 17:26:00 +0800

Recently I have been thinking a lot about myself and the others, how each person that I know have a reason for being who they are and have a reason of making the decisions the way they seem to do. Recently, however, I have developed this theory, that every single person in life is living their lives as a performance.

Most of us have secrets that we don’t want to share, most of us have certain aspects of our lives we would rather share, and the decision defines a role for us. Each of us is attempting to play different roles in their lives, and the way we chose to approach these roles are, what I call, performances. Yes, I do realize that this term makes us all hypocrites, and deep down, I think we all know, and if we do not know, then we are lying to ourselves, but deep down, we all know that we are, at least partially, hypocrites. That’s all even though we are angry at our bosses but we choose to swallow it as if nothing happened, and that’s why we might be depressed as hell for no apparent reason but choose to show a smile or something. Yes, we are all performing a role that we chose, and we are all so used of doing so that sometimes we forget that this is what we have been doing.

Once every now and then, someone who is stupid enough to meditate on his own life because he is not doing anything more interesting, asks himself this question – “is this what you want to be?”, and in this case, that someone stupid is me, and I do not have an answer for that. No, I don’t, and here’s why – while sometimes my ego speaks louder than my actions and even my words, I am actually not that happy with my life, and yes, “life” here includes a general definition – friendship, relationship, family, career, etc. At which point, I walk around like a kid in a forest – I am lost without directions.

In the last…let’s say 7 years, I have been trying something new, and by doing so, I forgot who I was before all of this, before MBA, before career, before university – I forgot who I actually was. And for that, I have to thank my recently-found twin’s best friend to remind me that I was not who I am, and who I was? Well… for lack of a better word, a creepy weirdo that hated the world for a lot of reasons, or so I thought (back then). If it wasn’t for an unexpected-yet-awkward gathering with my twin and her best friend, and specifically something that this best friend said (Partially translated: “Yeah, I remember you…you know the kind of people that are low-key that no one remembers them? You were not one of those people”) that reminded me of someone or something that I was – which reminded me of something that I am.

In these last couple of years, I have tried to perform a different role, for a really simple reason – I wanted to fit in, and I wanted to erase that past from me, so much so that my mind blocked some of these memories. And by establishing this new me (Alex 2.0), I developed a much more self-confident persona that allowed me to achieve something that I never had in life – success. Yes, somehow I was successful, or I saw myself as successful during my university life and my MBA life – a success that reflected on my career (as a freelance translator), my grades and my social life, and such success was beginning to erase who I actually was, to the point that I forgot what it felt like to be that “creepy weirdo” again.

In the recent months, something happened that almost drove me to the decision of leaving Macau just for the sake of it. I have come up with a number of pretty excuses – I need to go there with my father to deal with some family issues; I was offered a job (which I actually was), etc. – but deep inside, I thought to myself: “Am I running away from my problems? I am, right?” And then my twin, once again, reminded me – if I go to Portugal just because I wanted to run away from a problem, that problem would either still be here or worsened when I eventually come back.

After thinking about all of these messes and reflecting on what my twin said the other day, I had an epiphany (which, knowing me, will not last for longer than 20 minutes after this text is posted) – that I am not a failure, but I am lost. I did not fail because of who I was or who I am or who I wish that I was – I have no idea who I wish that I was. I have adjusted myself for so long, pretended to be something that I probably am not for so long, that when something that questioned me persona happened, I panicked and the results were disastrous (for both myself and whatever that’s called “my social life”), because for the vast majority of the previous 7 years, I tried to establish myself as a character, a persona, but not a person. I know, better than some people, what it is to establish a cover version of ourselves and that’s why when someone asked me “Do you really think that you know me?”, my answer was “I know what you wished that people knew” (and yes, twin, that person who asked me was you-know-who). This epiphany made my decision that much clearer, and made my next moves a bit less clouded. Unfortunately, my decision would still be to leave Macau for about 3 months (Yes, Diogo, I will try my best to be there by June, but if not, I will be there by Optimus Alive, because The Bloody Beetroots and Alt-J will be there, and regardless of me being there by your birthday or not, you will probably get to see me and get a gift from me this year), but not to run away from my problems, in fact, because I do not wish to have this trip with any burden, I will probably seek closure to most of the problems that I have been having – career, school and that other thing.

The reason that I am going to Portugal is simple – I need to be away, because I have been here for so long that I feel lost, I am not entirely sure of what I want (for life) and what I wanted to be as a person, and I need to know that before I move on to the next step. Now, you might ask “You need to be away for so long to have that answer?” Well, the time period is irrelevant, and chances are even if I am away for 3 years, whatever and whoever is affecting my emotional stability will still be affecting my emotional stability, but the thing is – I think that I need to with the people who actually grew up with me, who saw me as who I was, and not who I have become in the previous 7 years, and only by leaving Macau for a while I will be able to do that.

My aim, for this trip, is to rediscover who Alex Pereira is, and what type of character(s) I want to play in the future, and thus improving on my performance as a human being. So, even though this trip won’t be happening any time before May, I wish to have your blessings, and I wish that whenever I come back, I will be the type of people that is, if anything, happy.

Alex

dont-give-up-get-what-you-want: I like you on @weheartit.com -...

Fri, 25 Jan 2013 12:37:57 +0800

dont-give-up-get-what-you-want:

I like you on @weheartit.com - http://whrt.it/W4BAnb

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Fri, 18 Jan 2013 10:24:51 +0800

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Wed, 09 Jan 2013 14:04:23 +0800

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Mon, 24 Dec 2012 17:13:46 +0800

One of the best “Friends” moments

Tue, 18 Dec 2012 09:43:08 +0800

One of the best “Friends” moments

Vulnerability.

Wed, 12 Dec 2012 12:02:40 +0800

Like most people, I hate being vulnerable, but not just because I am so proud of myself that tries to protect my own pride…I mean, it’s one of the many goals of me being protective of myself, but the real reason is that…I consider myself a fragile human being, that’s why I work hard on my studies, that’s why I try to be at least good at something – I don’t want people to just look into me and see a weak human being. That’s why I developed many hobbies: television, movies, books, music, writing, etc. Because I know that I hate being alone doing nothing, but I know that I can’t always find someone to do things with me, so I developed these hobbies, hobbies that I can do alone and that gives me some sort of purpose – I need to finish this album, I need to follow these shows, I need to watch this movie so that I can review it, all of these things are done, or at least, can be done alone. That’s why I try hard to fit in the community/communities that I am in, because I know what it’s like to be a misfit, to be discriminated, to be different.

After all of the attempts of developing myself as a well-adjusted person (well, at least I think that I seem to be a well-adjusted person), and after all of these years playing the role of a well-adjusted person, I realized something recently, and by recently, I mean the last year, that I have been becoming increasingly tired of everything, that most of the things that I do, I do for no real reason, sometimes I go out because I have to, but I don’t really know why I have to, I do a lot of things because I feel somehow obligated to, but I don’t know why I have that sense of obligation. Most of all, I try to appear normal because I have to, and this one, I know why – quoting a line from a less-known-teenage-comedy “Easy A”, “that’s the one thing movies don’t tell you: how shitty it feels to be an outcast”. I don’t believe that I am the only person who’s living under all of these…assumptions that if I start acting like my true self, people will hate me for it.

As time progresses, this persona has become part of me, however, every day, or at least, every night, I reflect on my day, and sometimes I don’t even recognize the person that spent the day as me. Some people told me that that’s called growing up, others told me that I have been overthinking about everything, and they are, most likely, right. But as time progresses, and I got so used to be defensive, so protective of myself, that sometimes when I am with people, I try to avoid anything that would reveal my emotional vulnerability, which means that either I choose to answer “stupidly” to some questions, other times I just disappear for a while. I am not saying that that’s right, or that I am proud of doing these, I am just saying, that’s what I have been doing.

As time progresses, I realized that even though on the surface it feels that nothing is particularly wrong, but something is definitely different, and that “something”, is my soul. Protecting yourself will definitely make people feel less vulnerable, and that’s what a lot of people do, they just aren’t, you know, weird enough to write one page in their computers just to say that they are vulnerable (so, yea, I am a weirdo)…but as you try really hard to be protective of yourself, your soul, or your emotion, gets damaged, and I think that I have reached a point that…I am not going to say that I am beyond repair, but I have become so jaded that I think myself as an asshole, an awful human being, and I need to do something to release some of the tension that’s been building up inside of me for days, weeks, months or even years.

I do realize that writing this won’t help me, at all. And posting this on my Facebook will seem like a cry for help, and it probably is, or…it’s probably what’s known as an emotional breakdown, but done in a digital era, but although I have been saying, or showing that I have been upset for a while, it’s been a while that I wrote something to express my current self, so, here, it is.

I thought of tagging some of my best friends or people that I wish that would be reading this, but eventually, I gave up on that thought, mainly because…well, I don’t have the answer for that…

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Mon, 03 Dec 2012 00:08:20 +0800

there's no place like *home*

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the-absolute-best-gifs: remember when we found out Neville...

"Meredith Grey - Grey’s Anatomy"

My world suddenly stopped.

Photo

….

Please, help

true story.

I am not currently working as a writer, so if you need my creativity, pay some extra, please.

The thing that hurts the most - Knowing how it happened, knowing...

Honest & Selfish Confession(s)

Life as a Performance.

dont-give-up-get-what-you-want: I like you on @weheartit.com -...

Photo

Photo

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One of the best “Friends” moments

Vulnerability.

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there's no place like home